The Creepiest Domestic Product of the Obama Era

Jill is demonstrating her recent acquisition of a “Snuggy,” as I think they’re marketed. As everyone knows, Jill’s blood at any given point is about 52. 3 degrees Fahrenheit, and so she’s always had to take extra measures to protect her basic life-functions. Normally, she accomplishes this through a very scientific process called “heat transfusion.” I’ll summarize; Jill attaches herself to my body like a parasite, sucks the heat from every portion of my body, and unceremoniously detaches after the host is no longer a suitable environment (I am uselessly shivering on the linoleum flooring). Recent studies have shown that 100 percent of marriages involve this type of relationship.

However, things have changed since the “snuggy.” This revolutionary product is actually a micro-fiber blanket that can be zipped, and buttoned until it fits around the body as a heat-trapping ceremonial robe (see photo). For me, it’s been a bitter-sweet ride. I can see that Jill no longer needs my heat services. She’s thinking, “this robe keeps me warm, AND I don’t have to listen to it talk non-stop about Oregon football recruiting! Thanks, SNUGGY!”

Perhaps I’m just a little jealous of the “snuggy,” but a small part of me can’t help but wonder about the origination of this product. To me, it looks like the designers were gathered around a table, and one guy spoke up and said, “Hey, we should make something for the Klu Klux Clan to wear to keep them warm while they’re out in the deep woods.” Then, another person in the room got practical and said, “wait a minute. We need to make sure that it doesn’t have a hood, and that we don’t sell any white ones so that we can market it to non-bigots and non-racists too!”

This was all capped by a recent television ad that Jill and I saw over Christmas. In the ad, a whole family of white, upper-middle class people are wearing the robes, laughing and roasting marshmallows. In the next shot, they’re watching a movie in their matching ceremonial robes, and eating popcorn. And even though you can’t see what they’re watching, I’m willing to bet it’s either American History X, or maybe a confederate propaganda film.

This just goes to show that it’s possible to sell anything in America (during normal economic times). Overall, I’m glad that Jill has found a way to stay warm, but if she ever goes to a national convention of “snuggy wearers” I’m going to be a little bit suspicious…

PS: You can find the official commercial for the Snuggy on Youtube.